how does kissing someone else reveal your feelings for me?

do explain.

mike called the other day and asked me if he could come visit peyton, [which i dont ever see myself declining] and he arrived on tuesday. we hung out tuesday, all day and then i had work wednesday and thursday. wednesday he text me around 2pm to say that he wanted peyton and i to go out for dinner with him and we text back and forth joking. im still currently training at work and i was mid-dispatch on a call for an accident with injuries. white car, small, with subj unconscious possible fatality. as soon as the call was dispatched and the units arrived on scene i heard my name across the radio and my heart clinched. how many people with small white cars did i know, who could it be, what? how? they told me he wasn't going to make it. they said he was already gone.

he's in ICU in savannah right now. a traech in his throat, non responsive, with prayers and hope for another day. a ruptured spleen, punctured bladder, dislocated pelvis, and who knows what else.

his parents are still sitting in michigan.

now everything is crystal clear.

amanda henderson coakley

it makes me so jealous to see two people that compliment each other so well, fall in love and actually take the final steps into marriage and a life together. amanda and jasons wedding was stunning and beautiful and complete and perfect. the weather subsided until about 20 minutes after the ceremony. not a cloud insight until then.
this week has been a blur. alot of alcohol and not enough of seeing peyton. bars and late nights, jesse johnson and feeling horrible have preoccupied my time.
im sunburt and ready to get off of work and go home.

one day ill find someone. one day ill be confident enough and trust someone with my heart.

i want that boy to write home about.





http://m0thyyku.deviantart.com/

new owner of...

after alot of thought and prayer. i called mike and asked him if he'd like to see peyton. he jumped at the opportunity and hes on his way. im so nervous and my anxiety is really bad right now. i took some meds and threw up and im calm for now at least. peyton is napping and should wake up to eat at about the same time he gets here.
i would like to think that this is the beginning of something good. not for mike and i to be together bc as much as i want him to change, saying it and showing it would do nothing for me. its a strange relationship that ill never understand. a love thats not really a love as much as a violent addiction and an addiction that is based on the fact that i feel i owe him something in some weird way for giving me this child that i love so dearly.

ive been reading a book 'why does he do that?' a book that my aunt recommended to me for girls/women who have been in abusive relationships. it answers so many questions but doesnt ever provide a complete understanding or advice on how to avoid the situation again. also ive found that my defense mechanism for criticism have become more short circuited. i dont take being wrong as well as i did. its almost like someone is saying youre wrong and you are a terrible person and i buck up. like being wrong is so terrible. like theres no fixing things or being made right.

i see his blood on my hands and i want to wipe them clean but there is this child that keeps him coming around. this part of him that brings me down. and its when im brought to my lowest and submitted to his scrutiny, i feel at best. this world has me upside down.

jesus came into my heart

[5 minutes ago]