my sanity

after alot of thought and prayer. i called mike and asked him if he'd like to see peyton. he jumped at the opportunity and hes on his way. im so nervous and my anxiety is really bad right now. i took some meds and threw up and im calm for now at least. peyton is napping and should wake up to eat at about the same time he gets here.
i would like to think that this is the beginning of something good. not for mike and i to be together bc as much as i want him to change, saying it and showing it would do nothing for me. its a strange relationship that ill never understand. a love thats not really a love as much as a violent addiction and an addiction that is based on the fact that i feel i owe him something in some weird way for giving me this child that i love so dearly.

ive been reading a book 'why does he do that?' a book that my aunt recommended to me for girls/women who have been in abusive relationships. it answers so many questions but doesnt ever provide a complete understanding or advice on how to avoid the situation again. also ive found that my defense mechanism for criticism have become more short circuited. i dont take being wrong as well as i did. its almost like someone is saying youre wrong and you are a terrible person and i buck up. like being wrong is so terrible. like theres no fixing things or being made right.

i see his blood on my hands and i want to wipe them clean but there is this child that keeps him coming around. this part of him that brings me down. and its when im brought to my lowest and submitted to his scrutiny, i feel at best. this world has me upside down.