prodigal daughter

i am over myself.
i have humbled myself to a completely new degree. driving home from michigan and staying at a hotel in kentucky, eating cold chic-fil-a and not being able to chew because my jaw is fractured or disaligned. gagging on everything bc of morning sickness and on top of all other things, being pregnant with a child that i know isnt a mistake, but i know im not ready for.

my parents have handled the news considerably well, but reality is going to set in when my feet his the kitchen floors at my old home. i havent been home for 4 years, on my own, and now coming back home pregnant.

god give me strength.

im at mary bays house and mike has been calling all day/night/morning/evening long. he went out the night that i left. like out, to a bar. i told him i started my period and had severe pain, and that i think id miscarried. it doesnt matter if he knows or not. i know he's not going to be emotionally tied to this child.

i love mary bay and i really owe her so much right now for the hospitality she's given me.

its not until your head is slammed into the side of a couch and youre being raped by someone you care about, that you realize that youve made a wrong decision somewhere. being terrified to the point where i couldn't breathe, speak, act. my body frozen in this horror that allowed me to be able to remember and depict every single second.

i cant cry. i cant talk. i cant hold my mom. i want to feel safe. i want to sleep in peace.

cold welcome

ive been in michigan for one day now. brian, mike, allen and i all went today to look at the loft we're thinking about renting. its amazing and right on gratiot which runs straight through to detroit. below the loft is a bar called 'friends tavern'. this should be a blast should i decide to make the move.

mike made pretty eyes at me today. hahaha kidding, he's right behind me. creep.

its nice having pj around as a halfway roommate. the two of us taking on the world in our little marcus griffin town hhahah. work is work.

the other night i went to brandon galle's apartment and we were all drinking and talking. brandon and michael are 2 of the only people that havent changed our relationships with one another based on adams relationship with me. they still hang out as always and don't bring up anything which is nice. everyone else pulled away and left me out. i think that mustve been the most hurtful part.

as im sitting there having a great time, adam decided to show up. he all but beelined to the porch where i attempted to evacuate the situation. he approached me with a solemn, ashamed almost 'hey' and he said 'i know i hurt you, but lets talk about this. maybe dinner or something'.

[what is there to talk about? he cheated. he didnt just cheat. he predetermined that i should take his truck to work and come back to pick him up in the morning where i would conveniently walk in and see him with angie]

my eyes filled up with tears bc i did love him and he did hurt me. but its not appropriate for him to see me cry. i turned away and walked inside.

todays my brothers birthday. i have to remember to call him.

one year ago

...today, i began a relationship that became the biggest waste of my life.

this year, i have my own place, a good job, and friends that i will keep for a lifetime. [hopefully]
ohhhh and i got a new dog. i named her gator and she is a mutt husky mix. and so sweet.

its getting easier. im getting sleazier.

el charro

theres something kinetic about el charro with mary bay, chicken quesadillas, sweet tea and marlboro lights. i dont even smoke, but no matter what the circumstances, just being around her and the mexican music that makes you wanna do a salsa and chimichanga dance....im going home this weekend.

justin weeks called the other day. its been so long. ill probably stop in statesboro on the way home and say hi. itll be good to be around old friends.

can't get high

i was right.
he can't be trusted.

the little lies that started must've lept right past me while i was sleeping. he swears he came clean on everypoint, but i don't seem to remember any of it.
there's that sickening pinch in my stomach that you get when you are so surprised to see such a horrible character in a person you admire, come out.

i just wish that he would've never asked me to drive his truck to work. i would've never been there, i would've never seen the things that have left me in fetal position for the past 5 days. i have no one here. i've got to get the fuck out.