i cant even put a grasp on what happened today. im sitting here in my computer class and i cant wake up. i keep thinking, how in the world did i somehow solidify in my mind that what i saw on tv was a movie and not the actual news. it was insane and my emotions...im a pretty selfish person, but my heart felt something for those people. it doesnt even directly affect me, and by that i mean that no one in my family was a victim, i don't have friends or family to concern with over the matter, but FUCK. I'm waiting for johnny, matt, and skip to get out of class so we can go get right before soccer practice. we have early practice today which means we get to go eat our faces off at SEgeorgia bbq after practice instead of on campus. puff puff give and then beddie time, early classes tomorrow.

val and i already are butting heads. [she's wound so tight]

on a less depressing note: i finished my 2 miles timed run, 4 laps ahead of everyone else.

tonight camping at the river on a sandbar.
jamie, stephanie, sandy, and grant.
the grass is always greener on the other side, especially rolled up
HA
its all downhill from here.
i leave monday to start conditioning and im praying for no urinalysis.

class of oh one, son

this last year of my life has blasted by. i had my first kiss, my first big crush. i made new best friends and still have the old (amanda, holly, pj, elisabeth, erin, lindsey) ryan is gone and i still think of him everyday. jared ferrell is still just jared ferrell and he still stands me up. such a waste. amanda's in illinois and not here!
i wish i had something significant to write about here. i happen to have nothing.
senior week was a bunch of people getting wasted at a hotel on jekyll; at a really run down hotel at that. i met this guy named mac arthur and we walked down to the beach. i wish that someone sober and less knights of the roundtable would give me the time of day. we sat there and looked at the moon and he asked if he could kiss me, which i allowed and it was sweet. it was also only my second kiss and i was in my right mind, so naturally im going to have a crush on this guy. we've talked once since the other night. he's going away to school. i am too! I AM TOO!
growing up is coming all too fast. i signed next week for my soccer scholarship. for college. COLLEGE!

duh nuh nuh nah, duh nuh nuh nah. ohhhh myyyy. last night was friday the 13th. last night me, elisabeth, holly, lindsey and erin camped out at my house. we pulled my car up in the yard and my moms explorer and put sheets in the doors. then kevin zeigler and brad chapman came over with their crotch rockets and we went riding on their bikes. i almost flipped over the front of kevins....it was scarrry.

we're almost done with school. holy toledo. im not ready. i got voted most humorous for my senior superlative. im excited to go take the pictures for the yearbook.

brad still is not giving it up. by that, i mean, he is so persistent. i just cant let myself do anything with him. haahhaha

so its saturday....andddd these lips are no longer untainted. last night there was a party on the riverside and everyone was out at the dock at harveys. i walked out of the front door and jared was walking in. he pulled me aside and said, 'you look beautiful' and just kissed me. it wasnt anything extreme, but it was significant. it was my first kiss. hahhaha this is so sad, and now that crush on jared is back again. jared ashley ferrell.

robin and cal

i dont even cuss, but fuck amandas parents for taking her away from us so that we cant even graduate together. she was going to be a captain with us, walk with us across the stage and get her diploma. we were suppose to make tons of memories and mistakes together. she promised me she was going to get me drunk and now, now none of this is going to happen.

daggum it.

rns

ive never lost anyone, anyone, anyong close to me.
i assumed it would hurt.
thinking about the last conversations that were literally just within hours of his death. saying have fun, and specifically saying 'dont drink and drive'. waking up to a call saying 'ryans dead, he wrecked his dads car, he's gone'.
we had a talk 3 days before that. he said 'youre such a good girl. you don't drink, you don't let guys use you like your other friends. don't change because i love you the way you are. guys respect you. they might not show interest now, but its because you aren't an easy option.' we used to do a good deed for the day. thinking of the times we ate at mudcat charlie's and then went to baskin robbins. the night we all went to tiki hut and i got stranded in brunswick and he drove to pick me up and completely surprised me. the talks we had in his truck in my driveway. watching him in near tears bc it was the weekend he was suppose to get married.

all of the whatif's go through my head. i couldve dd'd them. why out of all of the weekends we went to jekyll did i not go? he was supposed to come see me play soccer in college.