The Unrealistic Skinny

there is this standard of setting a trend of being that one
ballsy person that stood-up-for-full-figured-women-everywhere.
"she's anorexic", "society has an unrealistic perspective on perfection",
"our daughter's are watching"
is this not realistic that people are born with smaller figures? with skin
barely draping their bones and a metabolism that should win Grammy's
for it's performance? what makes a large woman more beautiful and
realistic than a tall, skinny woman?
the reality is that these woman provoking such asinine claims are the same ones
who struggle with their inner peace.
the same woman who has the daughter who pinches her thighs only because she
learned from watching the best.
the same woman who is screaming from the rooftops "justice for the fat lady" because she is
wrongfully treated by society, yet in the same breath is screaming "skinny is
disgusting".
the same woman who is fighting for size equality, as long as it doesn't include skinny.
the same woman who genuinely thinks she is fighting a good fight for unity across
the board for women everywhere, yet creates a division great than Moses and the
Red Sea.
the same woman that is pointing fingers out saying "this is not beauty", all the while
insinuating beauty is only skin deep.
the same woman who goes to sleep at night thinking she has fought a good fight,
but really joined forces with the opposition.
the reality is we are in a society where it's justifiably O.K. to say "Oh my gosh,
you're so skinny", "You've lost so much weight!", to a co-worker, but to turn around and say,
"You're so fat", could make a person millions richer in a lawsuit.
fight your good fight, but leave judgement out of it. be who you need to be to make yourself
happy, but don't set a standard to defend those who don't need defending.
some people are comfortable being skinny, some are comfortable with their "more
cushion for the push'in", but don't you dare try to live in someone else's shoes.

4 months ago

i questioned

life.

love.

loneliness.

2 days ago i quit

doing the asking

and answered

my forever.

mrs. ferrell has a nice ring to it,

but not as nice as my engagement ring!

one stroke

a little too close for comfort.

but he feels like

chicken noodle soup.

i wonder

what

happens

now.

do our eyes meet

and our hearts

take a seat.

hey

im your speed bump

do you ever feel like youre a dent
or a stop
or a speedbump in someones life
to something better?
its hard to understand people
when we're all humans and we spend our
entire lives trying to figure ourselves out.
we are a twisted people
to those who give us so much
we return so little
and to those who we give so much
they return so little
do you want me here?
is this a way you play hard to get
or are you trying hard to get away?

i realize that when something monumental almost...

happens in my life, i run to this blog

to blurt out my thoughts.

this music mix of a life i lead seems to have hit platinum.

let me be your busy.

my life is a series of ups and downs right now.
i catch myself thinking outloud, and promptly catch myself to avoid jinxing anything.
my name is hannah morin.
and everything i said about myself this time last year is nothing that i am today. im not sure if i should so much celebrate this as growth, or harp on my failure.
in this year, ive lost my home, i dont like my job anymore, i am struggling as a mom everyday, and financially, im living paycheck to paycheck, and i lost the one person i thought id never fall out of love with.
but lets keep a positive mind for a moment. i may have lost my home, but i also took a giant weight off of my chest. i dont like my job, but i have one. a damn good one, and coming up soon, i have an interview for another one in savannah. im struggling as a mom, but what single parent isnt. at least she knows im her mom, the one and only, and my parents arent raising her, because i have a job that more than provides for us. financially im paycheck to paycheck, but im getting to spend that extra money on peytons education, entertaining my interests in love, life, and art, and we all know the saying, money doesnt buy happiness. so i make just enough to keep myself afloat. and that love that i thought id never fall from, was one of the greatest things i had ever let go of. love is so multifaceted. theres unconditional love, where someone is kind and sincere and doesnt expect anything in return, but you return it anyway, because it just comes natural, and in no part of that is there lying, deceit and disrespect. being in love with someone is so much more than emphatuation; its so much more than loving the idea of what could be, and very much loving every minute that you're living.
im figuring myself out, and trying to figure out everyone else. i love myself right now, and sometimes as a mom, friend, significant other, its so hard to put everything else aside that makes you happy, more specifically the people who make you who you are...and actually look at yourself and figure out if you're happy, or if the people in your life are your only source of happiness.
i am happy. i love myself. i can smile even when im sad, because in each hardship, ive observed that its a learning experience. pain is feeling. some people dont feel. i am blessed to feel.

last night i spent the evening at the beach
in good company
the breeze couldnt have been more perfect
nor the weather
i cant stop smiling
about
everything
the good and the bad
it seems like my life
fell apart and put itself back together
in perfect timing.
ive learned to be happy with someone
all the while focusing on myself
and
my needs.
no demands, only respect.
and if it falls apart this time
my whole life wont.
thank you for being selfless, my friend.

my own prison

seems like yesterday,

i was stuck in the back of someones

hand

me

down SUV

in college

listening to a song about

someone being in their own prison.

i hated that song.

but i have a respect for lyrics.

no matter if the music is my style or not

someone is saying something

its a message millions of people hear

and never seem to appreciate.

today i put myself out there.

not for something

i

love.

but for something i like.

something i want.

if it turns me down.

heres to being free

of my

own prison.

this has been such an interesting year
i love learning myself
im stressed beyond belief right now
but amazed at how composed i am
im reaching all new levels of strength i didn't know i had
its incredible
everything in my life is so versatile
i love it

ive used this blog everso vaguely the past few years.
making foot notes here and there of life and living.
all having hidden myself from the world.

i think im ready to open up. let people know about this blog.

although suicide is a terrible thing, it is somewhat settling to hear
when someone has gone on a shooting rampage that they committed
suicide afterwards.
its better than them walking around in a jail cell paid for by me, for 30
years, living for free, only to get away with whatever they did on
an insanity plea or just dying of old age in jail.
barter and trade, eye for and eye...those were the days i would love to live in.

its a whole schmorgishborg of feelings; all of them good.

i absolutely cannot wait to see what everyday has to say.

nyc and raye.
time of my life.
i finally met the talented, sara renee
and toured to school of my dreams.

life fell apart and now its coming back together.
i love my best friends and even my not so best friends.

this year has been amazing so far and every person ive
opened myself up to has proven to be worth it.
im comfortable with me but striving to be better.

my life has balance, and even when it doesn't...
i smile.

i have been blessed so much to have
a mother and a grandmother that are
2 of the strongest christian women
i know and my church knows at my disposal
im learning to not take offense
and learning to be a lady

peyton is beyond everything else, the most precious gem in my life.

just keep throwing bricks on that wall
im not going to talk about it
because you don't care to hear.

i am so blessed
(and i have been for
so long, but my eyes and heart
just didnt' appreciate it much
until just recently)

i am where i am and i love it

my eyes are so open now
and i see everything in flourescent
its a beautiful world
and im finally learning to appreciate
every bad thing thats happened
that put me where i am.

its taken every muscle in my body
to NOT call someone and express
my disdain for him and the predicament
im in.
thank you, god for showing my control
in that department if not anything else
today.

when will my heart and head
be on the same page?