i have been blessed so much to have
a mother and a grandmother that are
2 of the strongest christian women
i know and my church knows at my disposal
im learning to not take offense
and learning to be a lady

peyton is beyond everything else, the most precious gem in my life.

just keep throwing bricks on that wall
im not going to talk about it
because you don't care to hear.

i am so blessed
(and i have been for
so long, but my eyes and heart
just didnt' appreciate it much
until just recently)

i am where i am and i love it

my eyes are so open now
and i see everything in flourescent
its a beautiful world
and im finally learning to appreciate
every bad thing thats happened
that put me where i am.

its taken every muscle in my body
to NOT call someone and express
my disdain for him and the predicament
im in.
thank you, god for showing my control
in that department if not anything else
today.

when will my heart and head
be on the same page?

intrigue

that's the word im looking for

i love my circumstances.
the good, bad and ugly.
living by faith, hope, and love.
the most terrifyingly comfortable feeling
in the world.

he did it again.
i don't know how he does it
but he did it again and
im grateful for all
of his blessings
my teeth to push
through my lips and create
a smile thats disproportionate
to my face
its an incredible feeling

i
can't
afford
my
life.

yesterday my spirit was as broke as my bank account.
but im gonna keep pushing, im gonna reach that goal.

massachusettes i love you, wait for me?

:)

august.13.2008

it was a life changing
crossword puzzle.

new beginnings:

how did it go this long and i didnt know?

we never went this long without talking and then you're gone.

i knew youd go out like a rockstar.

you took the headlines by storm.

i love you, bp.

its that time again.
time to desecrate my body some'more...
thankfully, i dont have the money to,
[nor if i did would i be selfish enough to]
spend it on something like that.

someones birthday is coming up soon!
and that same someone, i miss very much.
shhh.

beth and ava are here!
she's beautiful. both of 'em.
isaac is such a good daddy.
bethany is such a good mama.
i wish they were closer.
our wishes don't exactly work parallel with gods will, now do they?

i am a mother. i am a pretty face with a pretty smile. i am naive. i am street smart. i am beautiful. i am ugly. i am loved. i am sensitive. i am a guy. i am emotional. i am happy. i am hungry. i am content. i am overprotective. i am mediocre. i am crazy. i am affectionate. i am funny. i am positive. i am realistic. i am employed. i am a homeowner. i am independent. i am relaxed. i am concerned. i am overwelmed. i am pushing new limits. i am compassionate. i am sane again. i am eager. i am indecisive. i am picky. i am a cousin. i am a daughter. i am a dog lover. i am loud. i am hyper. i am outgoing. i am shy. i am conservative. i am meek. i am contagious. i am outspoken. i am forward. i am a happy.

im wearing granny panties.
the end.

keep that feeling in the back of your throat
the burn of hurt, wavering to dote
never neglect for one second the emptiness in his eyes
the recognition of his strength and when you realized

lets get intoxicated
again and again
the sobering satisfaction
from losing we win

hate built up, amidst the mental fixation
obsessed with the thought of us without declaration
lingering on words, emotions mislead
mind churning negatives around in my head

hollow hearts and physical confrontation
despising love and all of its complication
drama so surreal youd applaud the theatrics
avoiding at all cost her manipulating tactics

lets get intoxicated
again and again
the sobering satisfaction
from losing we win