prodigal daughter

i am over myself.
i have humbled myself to a completely new degree. driving home from michigan and staying at a hotel in kentucky, eating cold chic-fil-a and not being able to chew because my jaw is fractured or disaligned. gagging on everything bc of morning sickness and on top of all other things, being pregnant with a child that i know isnt a mistake, but i know im not ready for.

my parents have handled the news considerably well, but reality is going to set in when my feet his the kitchen floors at my old home. i havent been home for 4 years, on my own, and now coming back home pregnant.

god give me strength.

im at mary bays house and mike has been calling all day/night/morning/evening long. he went out the night that i left. like out, to a bar. i told him i started my period and had severe pain, and that i think id miscarried. it doesnt matter if he knows or not. i know he's not going to be emotionally tied to this child.

i love mary bay and i really owe her so much right now for the hospitality she's given me.

its not until your head is slammed into the side of a couch and youre being raped by someone you care about, that you realize that youve made a wrong decision somewhere. being terrified to the point where i couldn't breathe, speak, act. my body frozen in this horror that allowed me to be able to remember and depict every single second.

i cant cry. i cant talk. i cant hold my mom. i want to feel safe. i want to sleep in peace.

cold welcome

ive been in michigan for one day now. brian, mike, allen and i all went today to look at the loft we're thinking about renting. its amazing and right on gratiot which runs straight through to detroit. below the loft is a bar called 'friends tavern'. this should be a blast should i decide to make the move.

mike made pretty eyes at me today. hahaha kidding, he's right behind me. creep.