ive never lost anyone, anyone, anyong close to me.
i assumed it would hurt.
thinking about the last conversations that were literally just within hours of his death. saying have fun, and specifically saying 'dont drink and drive'. waking up to a call saying 'ryans dead, he wrecked his dads car, he's gone'.
we had a talk 3 days before that. he said 'youre such a good girl. you don't drink, you don't let guys use you like your other friends. don't change because i love you the way you are. guys respect you. they might not show interest now, but its because you aren't an easy option.' we used to do a good deed for the day. thinking of the times we ate at mudcat charlie's and then went to baskin robbins. the night we all went to tiki hut and i got stranded in brunswick and he drove to pick me up and completely surprised me. the talks we had in his truck in my driveway. watching him in near tears bc it was the weekend he was suppose to get married.
all of the whatif's go through my head. i couldve dd'd them. why out of all of the weekends we went to jekyll did i not go? he was supposed to come see me play soccer in college.
